~Christmas~

Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 at 6:18 p.m.

I love Christmas. I've always loved Christmas. The sparkling lights on people's houses and trees, the snow, the children smiling all week long, the wrapping paper, the bows, the food, family, friends. And giving gifts. I love giving gifts more than anything. Does it make me a bad person not to insert anything religious here? I hope not, because I'm not going to...sue me.

This year I'm happy. The last few years, well the entire time hubby and I have been together, have been rough, either because we were fighting or because we just didn't have the money to buy people the things we wanted to. Nor did we have the money to buy each other nice gifts. To some this may seem superficial, but I craved/crave the excitement from childhood when we knew Santa had been to the house and we couldn't contain ourselves.

This year we've been able to buy for everyone we need to and buy my stepdaughter the things she needs and things she wants. We are spending quite a bit on each other too...something we've never been able to do. I'm happy...

But this year is truly, truly different than all the rest. Sometimes I'll be walking happily thru stores as I shop...and see something I would've bought my son. And that is when it sets in. I have a son and he is not with me. I guess sometimes I live in world where I forget for just a little while that I lost him. I miss him. I love him. And this Christmas is ABOUT him.

I refuse to act like he didn't exist, like some others would have me do. I have an ornament on the tree with his name on it. I have a present under the tree for him. Call me crazy, but I HAVE a son and I'd like to wish him a Merry Christmas. J, I miss you and love you. I'll never forget you. I know you are here with me everyday and one day I'll be there with you. Until then, you stay in my heart.

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