Oriental Simplicity

Grrrr...and my son

2003-10-06 at 8:09 p.m.

I find myself getting irritated way too often. For example, I bit my husbands head off earlier on the phone. I'm not even sure why. I think it is because I've been at work and now that I'm home I am trying to relax and clear my thoughts. When I'm often interrupted I tend to start getting pissy with people. Sometimes I just want to be alone, to enjoy the quiet. I like to open our sliding glass door by our computer and listen to the birds and squirrels while I'm typing. I dont know why I'm this way..too much noise and chaos just gets to me after awhile. Sometimes I just want to go in the bedroom, lock the door and climb under the covers and hide.

Now, to tell the story that I referred to in the previous entry regarding my baby. I became pregnant in May of this year. My baby's due date was Jan 18, 2004. In August, I had my ultrasound and blood tests done for various precautionary reasons. They saw a slight abnormality and warned me to watch for preeclampsia but said it was probably nothing. I also learned that I was having a boy!

Everything proceeded as normal, until the week of Sept 12. Early that week, my feet and ankles swelled up like you wouldnt believe. Being that this was my first baby, I thought it was normal but I was still going to my dr's appts. My blood pressure had gone from 102 to 150 that week. They also thought I had a UTI so they kept taking urine samples. Early that Sat morning, I woke up crying from a headache. I was scared because the dr had told me to watch for bad headaches. I finally decided to have hubby take me to the ER.

I thought I would go in and be seen and go home. No. I was sent by ambulance to the next biggest town so they could deal with things better. From there things went down hill. Over a few days time, my blood pressure shot up even more, my kidneys and liver were swelling, I had protein in my urine, my headache was still bad and my vision was starting to worsen. I was so scared..I had never been in the hospital..EVER. They had to put me on a catheter and IV. I was shaking and crying. I had sent my hubby home because I thought everything would be ok..so I had to go thru all those things for the first time by myself.

The next morning the dr came in and told me I was not leaving the hospital undelivered.(I was only 22 weeks along). At this point, it was looking like this: My health was going down hill very quickly. They were watching for seizures and when asked what came after seizures? A stroke. If the baby was born, there was a very high chance that he would have severe health problems. They said I had to be delivered. I had severe preeclampsia. I dont remember much after they put me on a magnesium drip.

I lost the baby. That was Sept 15. Things didnt fully hit me til I got home. We had graveside services on Sept 27. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I am wracked with guilt. Why did I have preeclampsia and why did my body give up?? Why why why? I will forever blame myself even though the drs said I couldnt have done anything to stop it from happening.

Physically I'm alot better. Emotionally...um, no. I get mad at myself if I dont go visit his grave every day. I go to the dr in Nov(high risk dr) to discuss future plans to try again and to see how some of my blood work results came back. I will never forget my son..I wish I had gotten to know him.

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