Oriental Simplicity

Snow, and my husband

Friday, Dec. 05, 2003 at 3:35 p.m.

I woke up to snow this morning. It was beautiful, the rain the night before had caused the snow to cling to the branches of the trees. I wanted it to stay that way all day but soon after I woke, the temperature started to go up and you could look out the window and see clumps of snow falling off the trees. There is still a bit left on the ground but most has melted. These are the things that calm me and give me peace.

I'm struggling to get along with hubby today. Something pops into my head to go give him a kiss, hug, etc and on the way there, something happens and we get off on the wrong foot every time and it starts an argument. Can there not be any happiness? Its my way of trying to insert little happy moments into the day if I just walk up and try to hug him. I know I don't do it often enough but I'm trying, I really am. I want him to know I miss him when he's gone at work and that our talks on the phone make me miss him. We joke around on the phone and we are silly, I like that part of him. I miss that part of him. I don't miss the arguing, fighting, bitching that goes on weekly at this house. Trying to better myself, is not happening while we are in such turmoil as a couple.

I tend to bite his head off at the slightest thing but there are things that he does also. I've agreed to work on things..I'm trying to work on things like that regarding every aspect of my life, but when he walks in the door and the arguments start right away, its hard to be a happy person and respectful towards him. If I respect someone, I'd like the same respect in return.

I respect my husband because in the beginning, even though he didnt want to, he stuck in there and we stayed together despite shit I was going through. I've tried to accomodate things he's wanted, and I've changed alot of how I was when we met but that never seems to be enough. I am who I am and I will only go so far to change every single thing about me, because at some point I will no longer be ME..I will be someone else that he wants me to be. Please, allow me to be me.

I also respect my husband because he works hard every day. He works long hours and is sometimes gone over nite. Not everyone is cut out for that but he enjoys it. He has in the past let me stay home but I was tired of not having extra money for myself so I went back to work part time. He would gladly let me stay at home again, but I like the extra spending money my job gives me. He pays all the bills and I respect that. I want to be respected if I choose to stay home and not be told that 'I don't work so I dont know how it is', etc.I have worked full time in the past and I DO know how it is.

I respect my husband for the crap he endured as a child and teenager from family and friends that no child should have to deal with. He has issues like we all do from things like that but since he is my husband, sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks. I see him trying to make an impression on his father or someone else, and he is trying so hard. He doesnt realize its not him, its his dad..who is at fault. He will never be good enough in his dad's eyes because that is how his dad is.

I am so proud of my husband for changing just since we've met. He did not want to go to work or stay the whole day! Now he gets perfect attendance records at work.

He is a wonderful provider..we could always use more money but who couldnt. He does the best he can. I know this. I often get stressed out about old bills and debts and I'm sorry I take it out on him when he is the only provider.

To my hubby, I want to share so many things with you...things that may seem menial to you, or others. I want to go on long walks and talk/dream about our future. I want to have babies with you, I want to pick out names for them together. I want to pick a time when you get home where we can sit down and talk about our days..BOTH of us. Not just me talking. Both of us talking and listening. With no tv, interruptions, etc. I want to share things with a mutual amount of respect and compassion. And no I'm not taking these words from anywhere, they are popping up in my head and coming thru my fingers as I type.

We need to find a common ground, please. I'm begging you. I love you, I miss you and you have my heart.

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